Why do I call this a happy day? because today is about 10 times better than yesterday!
Yesterday I woke up at 6:30 having angrily re-set me alarm - twice, and slept only 5.5 hours. for the third time in less than a week. Sometimes I just can't. It sucks. So yesterday I was super tired all day, so tired that fighting the sin of laziness and focusing on work was harder than normal. and its normally pretty hard for me. Then I felt guilty for wasting the day away reading the news, and blogs and searching for airline tickets for trips I may or may not take.
I sauntered home because that was about as fast as I could go, hoping to not run into anyone I know, but wishing to run into a friend I could complain to. I managed to avoid both. But on the way, God brought to mind that I should worship Him and be happy that I have the greatest gift ever- salvation! I forced out a few verses of "come thou fount" and started to feel better.
At home I declared myself a crank monster to the delight of my loving roommates. What makes them loving roommates? They listened but did not indulge self pity. They cared, and promised to pray for me. They advised me well. Char even spent over an hour working on my hair. (She does this regularly, and that is why I still have a savings account AND good looking dreadlocks - lockticians happen to cost as much as a high-end haircut, which I have never paid for)
Something about insomnia in the life of Mara- Usually it happens when I am rebelling against God in some area - not submitting to Him, not praying for someone, or about something. Sometimes it is just extra time to pray, but I rarely use it that way, I mostly waste it by getting more and more angry that I am not asleep. Sometimes I think, ok, time to get out of bed, go sit on the couch and intercede like... Barbara Thomas... or Jim Cymbala. At that moment I am usually hit by a wave of tiredness that I cave to and think - Oh! maybe I can sleep now! a few minutes later, I am wide awake again, but no longer willing to get out of bed and pray. what an infuriating cycle! Unless you see it the way God does. And I dont know how God sees it. His ways are mountains higher than mine, but I have some ideas. He wants me to experience the amazing fellowship with Him that is unique to being alone, on my knees in a sleeping house with the Holy Spirit in me slowly breaking out of the box I have put Him in and praying through my words, songs, my tears, my groans. So, he keeps me from sleeping. When I get the desire to pray and start to get out of bed, Satan gets scared and throws a flaming dart. It hits me, since my shield of faith is down, my helmet of salvation is forgotten, and my breastplate of righteousness is my own - a flimsy cotton t-shirt. (Cotton is pretty flammable). When it hits, I yield. But my loving Father does not let me sleep. He still wants to meet with me, He still wants me to grow in faith and love for Him through prayer, or through renouncing my choice idol of the week that has been stealing my affections from the Lover of my soul.
So, last night, getting in bed was scary. I normally love getting in bed, because its soft and cozy and dark and quiet and sleep is coming soon. But I was terrified of having another night like friday night (when I didn't sleep until 4am) I cringed when I saw my Bible and journal. I thank God that this is when I realized I was afraid of the wrong thing. I should fear God! I should fear a seared conscience and run TO my Savior for help instead of away from him. He is waiting to be gracious to me. I read Psalm 139 and enjoyed the sweet presence of God as I was reminded that there is no escaping Him. I confessed my disobedience in not loving others well, I experienced His amazing forgiveness and His love! As I continued to read my eyes got heavy and I even dozed off reading. Sweet sleep came! I enjoyed last night's sleep with a thankful heart and woke up very aware of God's love for me.
Today was a happy day for this reason.