processing

I should have blogged about this earlier when I was "doing well." Now I am at home with my family and not happy. I lost my job over the whole thing and now I am unmotivated, rebellious, disobedient, and easily distracted. Thats what happens when I resist God. I don't know how to fix it. I know I am in a dangerous spot. I tell myself that it's ok. God loves, me and He will not let me go. Then I remember that it is only by His grace that I am His and I am not immune to falling away from Him. My heart is prone to wander. Then I pretend like I don't care. It is not worth it. I am just too angry- is that what I am right now? Angry? Why? I am the one who sinned. God was merciful to me, but I was stupid and rebellious.

Pottery. Maybe I could do pottery for a living. I love to work with my hands.

Maybe I should be more concerned about getting a job. Obviously I will look. So, what if I cant find one? I have never had to worry about money- I mean, I have always had enough money- and I know that has not helped my character. I enjoy pretending that I don't have the money I need- I mean it seems glamorous to have to live paycheck to paycheck and know that if something unexpected happens, I will not have the money to pay for it.

O, to grace, how great a deabtor, daily I'm constrained to be
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart, Lord, take a seal it, seal it for thy courts above.

What to do:

Pottery
Back to school:
counseling
graphic design
education

Exhibit design
Graphic design- non-profit
Social advocacy