processing

I should have blogged about this earlier when I was "doing well." Now I am at home with my family and not happy. I lost my job over the whole thing and now I am unmotivated, rebellious, disobedient, and easily distracted. Thats what happens when I resist God. I don't know how to fix it. I know I am in a dangerous spot. I tell myself that it's ok. God loves, me and He will not let me go. Then I remember that it is only by His grace that I am His and I am not immune to falling away from Him. My heart is prone to wander. Then I pretend like I don't care. It is not worth it. I am just too angry- is that what I am right now? Angry? Why? I am the one who sinned. God was merciful to me, but I was stupid and rebellious.

Pottery. Maybe I could do pottery for a living. I love to work with my hands.

Maybe I should be more concerned about getting a job. Obviously I will look. So, what if I cant find one? I have never had to worry about money- I mean, I have always had enough money- and I know that has not helped my character. I enjoy pretending that I don't have the money I need- I mean it seems glamorous to have to live paycheck to paycheck and know that if something unexpected happens, I will not have the money to pay for it.

O, to grace, how great a deabtor, daily I'm constrained to be
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart, Lord, take a seal it, seal it for thy courts above.

What to do:

Pottery
Back to school:
counseling
graphic design
education

Exhibit design
Graphic design- non-profit
Social advocacy

Grandma

So, the reason I thought to start a blog at midnight is because I have some thoughts I would like to get out. My dear Grandma died on Wednesday. She was 92 years old, wife of a retired pastor, mother of 4, grandmother of 10, great grandmother of 4, and a great great grandmother. She was a prayer warrior and an encourager, a generous hostess, a follower of Jesus Christ and a worshipper of God. And much much more. A few years ago I came home and sorted through all of the letters and cards I had received. I found that I had more mail from my Grandma and Grandpa Whitney than anyone else by far. When we talked on the phone she would ask me about my friends and cats by name. She cared about the things I cared about. She made me feel like I was her only grandaugheter. We were all her favorite.

I love the hope of heaven that we have in Jesus. I love that she is worshipping God face to face and no longer struggling with pain, sin, sorrow, and all the trials on earth. She went peacefully they said, I think that means she went in joyful anticipation.

Today was the funeral. It was a good time to really process the fact that she is gone. The hardest thing for me was to see my Grandpa cry. They were married for 67 years. The pastor read a poem that Grandpa wrote to Grandma before they were married. He called her his "sweet girl" and said that he could not get along without her. When we all stood to go he was having a hard time walking (partly due to his health, missing a dr. appointment, and low blood sugar) so he sat down in a pew and just cried. I will never forget that. He was also still telling jokes on Monday at the hospital. A couple months ago I saw him standing behind Grandma and stroking her white hair in silly, fun, but loving affection.

The last thing Grandma said to me- in a hoarse voice and short breaths- I love you very very much. She actually said it over and over. Her mind was sharp, she wanted me to remember. She was thinking about other people even as she was dying. Praise God for His spirit in her.

What a comfort to know that our God is all powerful. He is good and His ways are good. So much higher than our ways. Wow! Grandma had SO much love for SO many people- that could only come from God. Praise Him for showing His love through her!

first entry

Woah, this is exciting. I have a blog again. I guess I should explain the title. This is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24. Thats funny. It says be glad in it. Well, I am off to a great start mis-quoting scripture in the title of my blog. But you get the idea. The title is a reminder to me that God made to today, and I should live it and be glad and rejoice.

In case you care to read about a past chapter of my life you can look at marainmexico.blogspot.com

So, I live in Raleigh now and I am (by God's grace) surprisingly content. :)